We live in an age where it is TRENDY to be environmentally aware. To be completely honest, a lot of it makes me sick, but the reasons for that would make up a whole ‘nother blog entry.

The main problem for me these days is how utterly gullible people are about what is “environmentally friendly”. They don’t really do any checking up on the claims of greedy companies – they simply buy into whatever the hype of the day is, and begin participating in whatever practice is the flavour du jour even if it is complete slacktivism.

One place I could rant about is Hybrid cars, but I am not going to bother when the show Bullshit! has done a far more complete job than I can do here. Suffice to say, hybrids are actually mind-bogglingly wasteful in most ways, gaining only slightly in the area of mileage while requiring many toxic substances in order to manufacture their batteries and systems. It is TRENDY to drive a hybrid, so it is the car of choice for slacktivists – but someone who truly cares about the environment is going to find the most efficient conventional car they can buy, plan their trips to avoid waste, drive sensibly without mashing the gas or the brake, and sometimes forgo the car when they can ride their bike or walk. A Mercedes smart achieves far better mileage than most hybrids and has a very efficient conventional engine. And don’t feed me a line about how it is too small – by the time you put the damn batteries in a hybrid, you’ve sucked up the better part of the space you gained by driving that bigger piece of shit. The RIDICULOUS Chevy Malibu Hybrid gives well under a 10% gain in mileage over its conventional counterpart, while requiring numerous additional hazardous elements in its manufacture – and still gets the same or worse mileage than similar non-hybrid models from Honda, Hyundai and Toyota, and scores a 6 out of 10 from the EPA for the amount of air pollution it creates! This is not a cleaner, more efficient vehicle, but it represents the “latest technology” GM offers. Oh – and don’t even get me STARTED on the scarcity of lithium for the best battery technology we’ve come up with to day…

So, to sum up so far: in my view, if you drive a hybrid, you’re nothing more (and nothing less) than a pretentious, pack-following idiotic douchebag. Yes, Ed Begley, I’m looking at you, too – the solar panels don’t save you from the ridicule.

But that wasn’t what I was REALLY annoyed at. Oh, no, not by a long shot. What was it, you ask, gentle reader (assuming you don’t drive a hybrid and are already so hacked off at me you want to burn down my house)?

Timers.

Timers are great for some things when it comes to improving efficiency. A timer that turns down your thermostat at night or when you are not home is a fantastic idea, and saves a vast sum of energy. Timers which shut off your oven when the food is done cooking or turn out the lights when they are not needed – great idea! They actually serve a purpose.

What has me pissed off as hell is advertising I have been watching lately telling people to put timers on things like their stereo system or their microwave oven, because they “draw a little bit of power all the time” and it is not efficient. Those timers I will refer to, from now on, as FUCKING TIMERS.

Well, lets start with the obvious: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK POWERS THE FUCKING TIMER? TICKY-TOCKY FAIRIES? LITTLE GNOMES THAT SNEAK IN THE HOUSE AND WIND IT ALL NIGHT LONG? Cheese and fucking CRACKERS!!! The amount of power needed to keep the clock set on your microwave or the stations preset in the stereo, or the television stations programmed to your cable company is not that significantly different from the amount of power needed to run the FUCKING TIMER.

On top of that – where do you think these fucking timers come from? Do you think they plant little seeds on the shelves in the Wal-Mart or Canadian Tire store, and by morning they are grown and available for sale, springing forth fully-formed like Venus arises from the sea in Botticelli’s masterpiece?

No… those little pieces of plastic and metal have to be assembled in a factory. A factory which has to have the raw materials mined from the ground and shipped to it, and which then has to use energy to power their lights and machines to make the fucking timer, and then to package and ship them to the warehouse of the retailer, which then has to ship them to the store. How much damn energy do you think this takes, let’s say, on a PER FUCKING TIMER basis? I suppose you also eat organic produce they have to SHIP IN from Chile because organic is more “environmentally friendly”, don’t you, dumbass?

Sorry, but unless you are turning off your hot water heater overnight when you are not using it, you aren’t saving enough energy to justify those fucking timers. You just aren’t. If you are that worried about the trickle of power that maintains your electronic stuff – UNPLUG THE GOD-DAMN THINGS. Put it on a power bar and turn it off when you are not using it. Pull the fuse, open the circuit breaker, whatever floats your boat – but don’t put it on some FUCKING TIMER and then sneer superciliously at your “environmentally unfriendly” acquaintances that don’t.

There are sensible ways to save power. Efficient lighting turned on only when needed, high-efficiency appliances, and just (yes, here it comes again) NOT WASTING SHIT are only a few.

Padding the pockets of some greedy company which has hornswoggled some amoeba-minded government bureaucrat into making commercials to promote this idiotic practice is NOT on the short list.