Welcome to the Nanny State!

Yes, it’s true, it is becoming more and more common and our liberties are being tromped on in the interest of… wait for it… SAFETY! Except, it really isn’t safety, most of it is government legislating COMMON SENSE. Coming soon, to a country/state/province/city/town near you, a law that says “Don’t stick your finger in an electrical outlet. Penalty: $5000 fine for first offense.”

I have seen some ridiculous bans. Baby walkers are banned in Canada because kids could go down the stairs in one. Seriously, that is the ONLY semi-valid reason for it, and it is based on the assumption that we are all irresponsible parents using something in an unsafe manner against all common sense. Of course, the government trots out lots of pseudo-scientific information that demonstrates that they don’t “do babies any good anyway”. But the fact is, because some tiny number of fucking MORONS didn’t supervise their INFANT and failed to exercise any due diligence in blocking off the staircase to prevent a fall, importing or possessing a baby walker is something akin to importing or possessing cocaine. Personally, any parent who let their kids go down the stairs in a baby walker or drown because they left them unsupervised in a baby bath seat is deserving of a Darwin award – thanks for reducing the chances of passing on those genes, idiots! The human species is grateful.

Most recently, though, it’s been the cell phones while driving thing taken beyond reason. Don’t get me wrong! No – you should NOT be driving along in the car holding a phone to your ear, or looking down to dial the damn thing while in motion. But that is not what I am talking about.

I am talking about some jurisdictions where they are trying to ban using a cell phone while driving EVEN WITH A HANDSFREE DEVICE. That’s it – no talky at all on your phone while driving. Now – I am going to just completely gloss over the point of:

How the fuck do you ENFORCE this? Have the cops stop everyone who moves their lips while driving?

- and move right along to the much more salient point: If you are banning people talking to someone on the phone in any way while driving, you must also ban ALL other potential distractions. Let’s just disregard the fact that almost all jurisdictions have laws against driving while distracted, under the common-sense offense names like “reckless driving” or “dangerous driving” or “driving while impaired”… rather than use those existing laws as needed in the rare, extreme cases that come up, we need to spell out ALL of the potentially risky things done while driving, and make a law against each and every one.

So let’s make a list!

• People have used 2-way radios for years. Citizens band radio enthusiasts, truck drivers, taxi drivers, police, fire, delivery people and numerous other folks use devices to talk all the time to their dispatch station or other drivers or anyone else on the road equipped with the same type of transceiver device. They are talking while driving – so, these must go too. BANNED!
• Drive-through windows must be eliminated. If you can’t fucking TALK on a handsfree phone you sure as shit can’t be trusted to eat a Big Mac or drink your double-caf extra-froth latte crap while driving! BANNED! And, you know, while you are at it – save the air, turn off your pollution-mobile and GET OFF YOUR ASS FOR A MINUTE.
• Taking a cup of coffee or food from home in the car, for the same reasons as drive-through – BANNED!
• Reading a book or newspaper – don’t laugh, I have seen it. Heck, even looking at a map (for some people) can be a very bad thing. BANNED!
• In the same vein as the map, reading and talking – all GPS navigation devices function in one of those ways. It either speaks directions at you or you have to glance at the screen. VERY distracting – BANNED!
• Also in the same vein as reading – road signs. All billboards and road signs with more than 5 words or anything distracting like a pair of boobs on the plastic surgery ads or anything else remotely sexy or attractive that would make you look for more than 2 seconds must be BANNED!
• Putting on makeup, brushing hair, shaving, or any other personal hygiene or grooming regimen – you are looking in a mirror at your OWN FACE and not the road! BANNED!
• Sex while driving. Yes, people do it, from BJs and hand jobs all the way to intercourse, while on the road. “Oh my GOD, I’m CU….” – yeah, definitely BANNED!
• Having children in the car… one of the worst possible distractions ever. Children bouncing around, yelling, playing, even talking – and because of our nanny-sense society they are ALWAYS in the back seat so the driver has to look behind them to see what they are doing… so, driving with children in the car? BANNED!
• Passengers tend to gab away at drivers. Drivers gab at passengers. Some drivers LOOK at the passengers while talking to them while driving. Well, we already banned the kids in the car, and relegated them to the trunk. Adult passengers also must be – BANNED!
• People listen to music or talk radio. Radios have been in cars since the early days of radio. Now we have satellite radio, CDs, MP3s, DVDs, insane displays on the various players including TV screens on some. The fact is, that even a basic radio can cause a driver to spontaneously burst out in song. OMG – how distracting, trying to remember LYRICS! Music in cars – BANNED!
• Being old and having poor vision or hearing… these things are SUPPOSED to be reasons for people to lose their licenses over a certain age, but most of the time they don’t. So lets spell it out: if you can’t see “as well as you used to” (which usually means you can’t see worth shit), driving is NOT a good idea any more. BANNED!
• Smoking is already being banned with kids in the car in some places – which I am going to have to rant about another time (I am a non-smoker but these bans are the epitome of Nanny-laws) – but smoking in general while driving has not. It needs to be. Ever seen a smoker try to dig out the smokes, find a light, get a smoke in their mouth and ignite it – and then drive with one hand while puffing away? What a potential disaster! BANNED!
• Some people can’t walk and chew gum at the same time, so it stands to reason that DRIVING while doing it HAS to be extremely hazardous. Chiclets in the car? BANNED!
• Finally, hand-in-hand with walking and chewing gum – IQ. If you are stupid, get off the road. There needs to be a law against it. If your IQ is below average – in other words, 99 or less, you should not be driving. You are a hazard. Get off the road, and get a job in government where the rest of the folks like you belong. BANNED!

I think we should start a new group. It will be like MADD. Except it would cover all of these things. Something like:

Mothers and Fathers and Regular People Against Being Stupid, Having Sex, Listening to the Radio, Talking, Smoking, Chewing Gum or Being Distracted While Driving.

Who wants to sign up as a charter member of MaFaRPABSHSLRTSCGoBDWD? The line forms to the right.

T-Shirts will be available next week. Size XXXL only.