Endings
by PolarBear on April 5th, 2010
filed under Heartache
I’m really not sure what’s going to happen right now.
For the first time in many years, I’m contemplating what life might be like without the wife in it.
I’m don’t know if things are going to go that way, but we’ve been having some really serious difficulties the last little while, and no matter how hard I try to address them I keep having things said to me like “I’ll never live up to your standards.”
My standards aren’t in any way impossibly high, in my opinion. Our lives have been steadily descending into chaos for a couple of years now. There have been these constant promises that things will get better, then nothing changes – actually, I shouldn’t say that: things get worse. Then, when I express concern about this I’m browbeaten and guilt-tripped about how hard things are, my standards are forced down yet another notch, and things slide downhill again.
I think we’re at a breaking point now. I can’t reach her any more. She’s stormed out of the house and I have no idea if she is coming back. I’m looking around and wondering how the hell I got here, and how things could get so bad – especially since, when she’s in a rational place, she can see that there is a problem.
I’m so tired of being accused of being negative. I live with someone with ADHD, who makes a LOT of mistakes, most of which I overlook or try to be supportive through. For some reason she internally beats the hell out of herself constantly, and then blames me for it. In the past I’ve been able to balance this out a little bit, but I don’t know if I have the strength any more. I live with someone who responds to, “Hey honey, this dinner is excellent!” with “And?” She always expects something bad to be appended. I had hoped that after nearly 12 years all that crap that had been programmed in before I met her would start to show signs of cracks or fading.
It hasn’t.
I’m just so very, very tired. I love her very much, but I’m really beginning not to like who she is becoming and how she is (or should I say isn’t) dealing with it.
Every day, it’s like someone walking up to you and saying, “I love you”, then punching you in the gut, and giving you a hug and saying sorry.
I don’t want to give up… but I’m afraid it may be out of my hands.
