Accord
by PolarBear on April 6th, 2010
filed under Heartache, Neurodiversity
Things aren’t “all better”.
They are improved.
The last few days have been somewhat hellish, filled with conflict as they’ve been.
In the end, though, I think some realizations have been reached. I am not sure how much I want to share yet (or even if I can, as I basically suffered for sharing the last time and I don’t want to go through that again) – but I hope to be able to explain better sometime. It actually might help someone else, someday… I hope.
There is a struggle ahead, for sure… and a lot to learn. But at least there is now a beginning – an understanding of what may have been going on “behind the scenes” in the wife’s mind for a number of years – nay, make that her whole life.
One of the more ironic things about the situation has been that while I’ve been worrying about the thought of her taking off and wondering what I would do when/if she does, SHE’S been thinking that I wanted her to go, which was never the case. I want the downward spiral to stop BEFORE things get completely broken.
I had one of those “Holy shit!” moments this morning while I was reading something related to an xntrek posting that seemed to confirm something that up until now was only seen as a remote possibility. Because of that, there are new paths available to be taken to move forward in resolving some of what appeared to be relationship-destroying communication difficulties.
I’m feeling more hopeful today.
Don’t ever get me wrong, I love this woman, and we’ve been through a lot together. I didn’t want to give up… I was just beginning to feel that it didn’t matter what I wanted any more. At least now I know she is still committed.
Endings
by PolarBear on April 5th, 2010
filed under Heartache
I’m really not sure what’s going to happen right now.
For the first time in many years, I’m contemplating what life might be like without the wife in it.
I’m don’t know if things are going to go that way, but we’ve been having some really serious difficulties the last little while, and no matter how hard I try to address them I keep having things said to me like “I’ll never live up to your standards.”
My standards aren’t in any way impossibly high, in my opinion. Our lives have been steadily descending into chaos for a couple of years now. There have been these constant promises that things will get better, then nothing changes – actually, I shouldn’t say that: things get worse. Then, when I express concern about this I’m browbeaten and guilt-tripped about how hard things are, my standards are forced down yet another notch, and things slide downhill again.
I think we’re at a breaking point now. I can’t reach her any more. She’s stormed out of the house and I have no idea if she is coming back. I’m looking around and wondering how the hell I got here, and how things could get so bad – especially since, when she’s in a rational place, she can see that there is a problem.
I’m so tired of being accused of being negative. I live with someone with ADHD, who makes a LOT of mistakes, most of which I overlook or try to be supportive through. For some reason she internally beats the hell out of herself constantly, and then blames me for it. In the past I’ve been able to balance this out a little bit, but I don’t know if I have the strength any more. I live with someone who responds to, “Hey honey, this dinner is excellent!” with “And?” She always expects something bad to be appended. I had hoped that after nearly 12 years all that crap that had been programmed in before I met her would start to show signs of cracks or fading.
It hasn’t.
I’m just so very, very tired. I love her very much, but I’m really beginning not to like who she is becoming and how she is (or should I say isn’t) dealing with it.
Every day, it’s like someone walking up to you and saying, “I love you”, then punching you in the gut, and giving you a hug and saying sorry.
I don’t want to give up… but I’m afraid it may be out of my hands.
Sadness For All
by PolarBear on December 24th, 2007
filed under Heartache
We are all very upset today. Our wonderful budgie friend, Sunbeam, died. He was the tamest I have ever been able to get a budgie. We actually got him as a family Solstice gift in 2004. Now, barely over 3 years old, he is gone.
For the last year he and his partner Raindrop have been my constant companions in our bedroom. I had stopped closing their cage door unless we had to have the house doors open. Sunbeam would sometimes wake me when I was napping or even in the morning by hopping out of his cage and landing on my head and lightly pulling on my hair. I was never able to teach him to talk, but he was an astonishing mimic, often playing games with us by imitating the sounds of the phone or the microwave and seeming to chuckle when someone came running to find out what was happening.
Looking back on the last few days, I think he was trying to tell us he was not feeling well even though he showed no serious signs until just yesterday. He had been extra affectionate a couple of days last week, and would not leave my shoulder. One morning he kept coming out of his cage and sitting on my leg while I was sleeping. I was worried I would roll over on him so after putting him back 3 or 4 times I closed his cage door until I was ready to get up for the day. It seems like he was trying to tell me something was wrong.
We tried so hard to save him. There is no vet that we could take him to anywhere here, and we wouldn’t have had the money anyway, so I had kept him warm and hand fed him mashed-up seeds and tried to get him to drink juice and water. At first he would take a little and seemed to be getting stronger, but finally he just refused.
I sat beside him all day long, watching him in his cage. Finally he got too weak to hold on to the perch and I caught him before he fell. I held him close for another hour until he finally breathed his last in my hand. When he died, we all cried, but me and the girl cried the most. The boy didn’t entirely understand and thought we could put new batteries in him.
Up at the top is a picture I made of him when he was a few months old. I took a photo and processed it digitally to look like a painting.
We’re really going to miss him.
Last Nursing
by Mamaoftwo on October 17th, 2006
filed under Heartache, Milestones, Pics
Well….Bupba is weaned… not by his choice, but by mine. 
He is doing pretty good with it, he only has asked a couple of times and I have just offered hugs and kisses and cups of milk or juice. I decided with my doctor to wean him so I can start a new medication to help with my ADHD. Over 2 years of scatterbrained days is quite enough for ALL of our sanity’s sake.
We had our final nursing session the other day on the couch. It was nice, a peaceful moment between us as every one else was still sleeping. I grabbed the camera and took some photos of us with our last nursing to have them to remember our wonderful 20 months of breastfeeding.
Just wanted to share it here. I’m still feeling sad that we ended it now, but I’m feeling satisfied with our 20 month run, and that we both ended it on a positive note. He is such a sweet child.
This is my favorite picture of the photos I took.
Onyx & Diamond ~ March 17th – June 1st~We miss you
by Mamaoftwo on June 2nd, 2006
They say memories are golden
well maybe that is true.
But, we never wanted memories,
we only wanted you.
In life we loved you dearly,
In death we love you still.
In our hearts you hold spaces
no other could ever fill.
Onyx, above was our black beauty. We will miss them both.
Loved and missed as well by Topaz.