Trying Again…
by PolarBear on April 16th, 2010
filed under The Site
Another new theme for this blog, albeit I know this one is going to be temporary. I really have an idea what I’d like to have here, but I haven’t found it yet. That means I probably will need to hack something apart to make it our own.
We’ve been going in circles lately, but something important in my opinion is that we get back to doing things TOGETHER, and that includes posting on this blog. It was always meant to be something to share with family and friends, but with the added benefit of being “out there” to share the difficulties we have with ADHD as a family.
We’ve discussed doing something more amusing in another place, having a back-and-forth between the ADHD wife and the non-ADHD husband, but we’ve never really done more than make a space for it. I wonder if, in fact, we should be doing that here, in this space. Bacon knows, we have more than enough stress to go around – maybe lightening things up at times and mixing it all together would be nice?
Sometimes it just feels like too many things with too little time for her and way too much time but absolutely no energy to do the things for me.
Anyway, I posted some things I wrote elsewhere a few weeks ago here, and I will be backfilling a couple of older family-related posts written on Tumblr and other places so that they become a part of this record.
I HOPE (yes, you’ve heard that before, I know) we can move forward, starting right now, and make this a far more active place to share our lives – both the joy and the pain…
If we can keep it together, that is.
Endings
by PolarBear on April 5th, 2010
filed under Heartache
I’m really not sure what’s going to happen right now.
For the first time in many years, I’m contemplating what life might be like without the wife in it.
I’m don’t know if things are going to go that way, but we’ve been having some really serious difficulties the last little while, and no matter how hard I try to address them I keep having things said to me like “I’ll never live up to your standards.”
My standards aren’t in any way impossibly high, in my opinion. Our lives have been steadily descending into chaos for a couple of years now. There have been these constant promises that things will get better, then nothing changes – actually, I shouldn’t say that: things get worse. Then, when I express concern about this I’m browbeaten and guilt-tripped about how hard things are, my standards are forced down yet another notch, and things slide downhill again.
I think we’re at a breaking point now. I can’t reach her any more. She’s stormed out of the house and I have no idea if she is coming back. I’m looking around and wondering how the hell I got here, and how things could get so bad – especially since, when she’s in a rational place, she can see that there is a problem.
I’m so tired of being accused of being negative. I live with someone with ADHD, who makes a LOT of mistakes, most of which I overlook or try to be supportive through. For some reason she internally beats the hell out of herself constantly, and then blames me for it. In the past I’ve been able to balance this out a little bit, but I don’t know if I have the strength any more. I live with someone who responds to, “Hey honey, this dinner is excellent!” with “And?” She always expects something bad to be appended. I had hoped that after nearly 12 years all that crap that had been programmed in before I met her would start to show signs of cracks or fading.
It hasn’t.
I’m just so very, very tired. I love her very much, but I’m really beginning not to like who she is becoming and how she is (or should I say isn’t) dealing with it.
Every day, it’s like someone walking up to you and saying, “I love you”, then punching you in the gut, and giving you a hug and saying sorry.
I don’t want to give up… but I’m afraid it may be out of my hands.